Living in Japan long enough, you’ll encounter a peculiar species of absolute fucking weasel that deserves its own nature documentary. I’m talking about the Japanese Cockblock Ninja – those slimy little turds who’ve mastered the ancient art of sabotage disguised as friendship.
Picture this: you’re working your charm on some gorgeous J-babe, everything’s going smoother than a lubed-up penguin on ice, when suddenly this grinning bastard materializes out of nowhere like some sort of rejection genie. He completely ignores the stunning woman you’re talking to – because acknowledging her existence might accidentally help your cause – and laser-focuses on you with the enthusiasm of a golden retriever who’s just discovered tennis balls.
“Oh wow, you’re so cool! Where are you from? Your Japanese is amazing!” This slimy fuck is laying it on thicker than peanut butter on a fat kid’s sandwich. But don’t be fooled by this Oscar-worthy performance of fake friendship – this dickhead has one mission: sabotage and foreigner nanpa destruction.
The moment you excuse yourself to piss out your 3 pints of lager, this backstabbing little shitweasel transforms faster than a fucking Transformer. Suddenly he’s fluent in the ancient Japanese art of foreign-guy character assassination: “Oh, that guy? Yeah, he’s just here for sex tourism. Foreign guys never commit. They’ll fuck off back to their country and ghost you. By the way, I’m single and my mother thinks I’m very handsome when I wear these denim flares.”
It’s like watching a nature documentary where the cute-looking animal turns out to be venomous. These cunning little fucks have turned cockblocking into a goddamn art form.
So remember, gentlemen: in Japanese bars, the real enemy isn’t the language barrier or cultural differences – it’s Hiroshi from Accounting who’s about to torpedo your evening faster than you can say “kampai.”
