There’s a special place in hell for Japan’s subscription demons, and it’s reserved entirely for NHK door-knockers.
This morning, 8:12 a.m., hair like a mop, still in my underwear, clutching a lukewarm konbini coffee, and there it is again:
ドンドンドン
I freeze.
Not Amazon. Not Uber Eats.
No friends. I don’t have friends who visit unannounced in this country.
I already know.
It’s him.
NHK Man.
Stage 47 of this year’s boss fight.
The Script Never Changes
I peek through the peephole like a traumatized raccoon and see that familiar combo:
- Cheap suit two sizes too big
- Clipboard of doom
- NHK shoulder bag, like a cursed Pokémon item
He clears his throat and starts the same ritual chant as always:
「NHKですが、テレビはお持ちですか？」
My guy, we have done this dance so many times we’re basically married.
You know I have a TV. I know you know. You know I know you know.
We’re trapped in a Groundhog Day side quest no one asked for.
I mumble through the door:
「いやー、今ちょっと…忙しいです。」
Which is Japanese for:
“Fuck off, I’m spiritually unavailable.”
Does he care? Of course not.
「すぐ終わりますので～」
Yeah, so does my will to live.
Gaslighting, NHK Edition
The wild thing is how they say everything with this polite, customer-service smile while basically shaking you down for protection money.
You: “I don’t watch NHK.”
NHK Man: “But you could.”
You: “I only use my monitor for Netflix.”
NHK Man: “It can technically receive broadcasts.”
You: “I’m not Japanese.”
NHK Man: “The law still applies.”
At this point I’m expecting him to say:
“Even if you think about a TV, you have to pay.”
It’s like getting billed by NHK for having eyes.
The Eternal Gaijin Defensive Techniques
After 47 encounters, I’ve developed a whole skill tree:
- The Ninja – stay completely silent, breathe like a corpse, pretend no one’s home.
- The Broken Japanese Gambit – 「アー、ニホンゴワカラナイ、ソーリー」 Instant escape, but you lose 10 dignity points.
- The “I’m Moving Soon” Buff – 「来月引っ越すので」 You’ve been “moving next month” for three years straight.
Today I went with The Foreign Bureaucracy Shield:
「会社が全部やってるので、わからないです。」
Translation:
“If this involves paperwork, ask literally anyone but me.”
He hesitates, antenna twitching, then retreats with a disappointed “そうですか…”.
Down the stairs he goes, probably to harass some university student who just wanted a cheap LeoPalace and not a lifelong financial obligation.
Why It’s So Fucking Annoying
It’s not even the money at this point.
It’s the relentlessness.
I’ve lived here over a decade. I’ve dealt with:
- City hall hell
- Immigration purgatory
- Bank paperwork written in ancient kanji from the Edo period
But nothing is as persistently soul-draining as the NHK door-knock boss who respawns every few weeks with the same script and the same plastic smile, acting like you’re the weird one for not wanting to sponsor programming you never watch.
See You Next Week, Buddy
Door finally quiet. Coffee finally finished. Heart rate returning to normal.
I sit back down, open my laptop, and start my day in Japan – the land I genuinely love, with trains on time, convenience stores on every corner, and…
a man from NHK who will 100% be back for attempt number 48.
See you soon, subscription goblin.
I’ll be here, lights off, breathing quietly behind the door like a hunted animal.
On a Serious Note…
If you are like me and genuinely have a TV which is not hooked up to the antenna, you can quote Article 64 of the Japanese Broadcasting Act.
Article 64(1)Persons installing reception equipment capable of receiving NHK broadcasts conclude a contract with NHK for the reception of those broadcasts; provided, however, that this does not apply to those persons who have installed reception equipment not intended for the reception of broadcasts or reception equipment only capable of receiving radio broadcasts (meaning broadcasts comprising of voices and other sounds that do not come under television broadcasting or multiple broadcasting; the same applies in Article 126, paragraph (1)) or multiple broadcasting.
https://www.japaneselawtranslation.go.jp/en/laws/view/2954/tb
Japanese: https://www.nhk.or.jp/faq-corner/sankou/01/sankou-01-01.html